The Two Main Questions Parents Should Ask Themselves When They’re Stuck in Old Patterns

In my practice, I often speak with parents who express a deep desire for better relationships with their children. They want smoother communication, more connection, and less conflict. Yet, when it comes to making changes in their parenting, they often feel stuck.

A common frustration arises when they try to respond differently to their child’s behavior, only to feel resentment creeping in.

Thoughts like “I was never allowed to talk back to my parents”, “When I was a kid, no one asked for my opinion” or “When they told me to do something, I just had to do it—no questions asked.”

These reflections highlight a deeper issue. Many parents are held back by old beliefs, the hurt inner child within them, or even resentment toward their own child for having freedoms or opportunities they themselves were denied. This often creates a cycle where they wish for better relationships with their children but feel unable to move forward.

In solution-focused therapy, we don’t dwell on the past or the problem itself. Instead, we work on creating a positive, actionable way forward. This approach is empowering because it shifts the focus from what went wrong to what can go right.

Two powerful questions I often ask parents are:

1. What kind of parent do you want to be?

2. What kind of relationship do you want with your child?

   
   

These questions encourage parents to envision a future where they feel proud of the connections they’ve built with their children. This shift from resentment to possibility often enables parents to let go of old, unhelpful beliefs and create a new path forward.

For example, when asked, many of my clients describe their ideal relationship with their child as one of open communication. They want their children to feel safe sharing their thoughts and emotions and to come to them for advice, comfort, and connection. They also hope to enjoy each other’s company for years to come, not just during childhood but into adulthood as well.

This leads to an important realization: the relationship you want with your grown child begins now. 

The seeds for an open, loving, and trusting connection are planted in childhood and nurtured throughout the years.

These two questions help parents re-evaluate their approach and let go of old patterns that no longer serve their family. By focusing on the parent they want to be and the relationship they want to build, they find the clarity and motivation to act differently in the present.

What about you? Does this resonate with you? What thoughts or strategies have helped you show up as the parent you aspire to be?

I’d love to hear your perspective - share your thoughts in the comments below!