Three Simple Words: "You’re Scared, Right?" The Power of Validation

The other day, I was walking through the local drugstore when I overheard a mother and daughter near the pharmacy. The little girl, probably around six years old, was crying, “No, I don’t want to! Please, no!” as her mom tried to convince her to get a routine flu shot.

The mom, visibly frustrated, replied, “If you don’t get the shot, I guess I’ll have to cancel your appointment to get your ears pierced!”

It was clear the mom had made a deal: the flu shot first, then the reward of getting her ears pierced. But now her daughter was panicking. “No! I want my ears pierced!” the girl cried even harder, her fear and distress escalating.

In desperation, the mom doubled down. She pushed harder, threatened more, and eventually forced her sobbing child through the vaccination.

My heart sank. It was painful to witness. The little girl was scared, powerless, and bribed into submission. And while my heart hurt for her, I also felt for the mom. She probably felt helpless and overwhelmed. This situation likely went the opposite of how she’d hoped it would.

Unfortunately, I see the reward-and-punishment approach used far too often. The “carrot and stick” way of shaping behavior has been popular for generations. It’s called behaviorism: reward the good, punish the bad. But times are changing. Research shows us a better way—one based on relationships, connection, and understanding.

The idea is simple: love your child for who they are, not how they behave. Separate the person from the behavior. When we do this, we teach children that they are safe, loved, and understood, even when they’re struggling.

What Could This Mom Have Done Differently?

If the mom had understood the power of validation, this entire situation could have gone differently.

Validation is about seeing and acknowledging your child’s emotions. Kids want to feel heard, just like we do. If you’re scared of getting a needle in your arm, wouldn’t you want someone to understand that fear? I know I would! So why expect a six-year-old to be calm and stoic about something scary?

A child’s fear is perfectly normal. And validating their feelings doesn’t make them “more scared”—it helps them feel safe and understood, which calms them down.

In this case, three simple words could have made all the difference: “You’re scared, right?”

That’s it. Just three words. Imagine how different this little girl might have felt if her mom had said that. “My mom understands me! She knows I’m scared. I don’t need to scream louder—she gets it!”

Validation is like magic for kids. It helps them feel seen and gives them permission to feel what they’re feeling. Once they feel safe in their emotions, they can begin to move past them. But that can’t happen until their feelings are acknowledged.

Think About It This Way

Let’s say you’ve had a terrible day at work. You come home and vent to your partner, “My boss was being ridiculous! He moved up my deadline by a week and wasn’t even nice about it!”

Now imagine your partner replies, “Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that. Maybe he’s just stressed too.”

How would you feel? Probably even angrier. You’d try harder to explain just how bad your day was.

But what if your partner said, “Oh wow, that sounds rough. I’m so sorry. How can I help?”

Wouldn’t that feel so much better? You’d feel heard and understood. And maybe, after that moment of validation, you’d even realize, “Okay, it wasn’t the worst day ever…” and move on.

It’s the same for kids. When we acknowledge their feelings, they feel safe, calm, and connected. And in this case, the girl could find her bravery when feeling supported.

What Do You Think?

What about you? Have you ever been in a similar situation with your child? How did you validate their emotions?

I’d love to hear your stories—share them in the comments below!